We live in a world of urgent and potentially existential challenges. There is a crisis-level lack of housing. Democracy is under siege. The effects of climate change are upon us.
At Civity, we often describe the work we do as helping people have “the conversation before the conversation.” The conversation before the conversation about how to make sure that people have places to live. The conversation before the conversation about how we can work through our differences and live together. The conversation before the conversation about building an economy that sustains the world we live in.
This “conversation before the conversation” is the conversation that brings us into relationship with one another, with other members of the communities we live in – people whom we do not know and whom we may see as different from us.
The hard truth is that we can only make progress on housing and democracy and climate change and so many of the other challenges we face if we can work together. And we can only work together if we see each other as people who matter, who all belong in these places we live. The foundation for addressing any of these challenges is acknowledging the people on all of the other “sides.” Politics and policy rest on this relational infrastructure.
In any kind of conflict, real movement toward agreement or creativity only happens when people give credence to other people’s stories and values and views – especially when they are different.
When we’re in conflict with people we know – our friends and family – we listen to and acknowledge them because we’re already in relationship. But when we’re in conflict with people we don’t know – other members of our various communities – this kind of listening and acknowledgement can really be a stretch. And it’s really a stretch when we’ve soaked up stereotypes that undermine or dismiss who these others are.
It’s natural to want to plunge right in when situations are urgent, when disaster appears imminent. But if we’re facing what are often called “wicked problems,” making sure that the relational foundation is there – and constructing it if need be – is what makes progress possible. Absence of relationships is like sand in machinery. Civity, on the other hand, is a few drops of oil.
As we often say in our Civity workshops, these relationships aren’t about being “BFF.” They are simply about saying to each other, “I see you. I see you as a member of my community.”
In our workshops, we invite people into one-on-one conversations with people they don’t know for 10 minutes. Yes, 10 minutes. And after 10 minutes of conversation people feel a connection. No, it is not a “friends and family” relationship. Yes, it is a “you’re a member of my community” relationship.
Seeing someone, even a perfect stranger, as a member of your community and feeling a connection with them takes hardly any time at all. It’s more about having a relational intention than about carving a chunk of “relationship” time out of your already busy day. If, for example, you get on an elevator and make a point of greeting another person who’s there with you, it doesn’t make the elevator ride longer!
Folding “relationship” time into a meeting or event can be done in just a few minutes, and taking this time sends the message to people that it matters that they showed up, that they are valuable and important. Not just as bodies but as part of the energy of what’s happening. When people feel “seen” and “heard” they get a lot more interested in making things work.
The “conversation before the conversation” creates civity – the relationships across difference that enable real conversations about how we will move forward together.